Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Kid Konundrum

For 3 and half years, I've said "one is enough. this is it. we're having one" while Jeff makes little sighs of relief.

And I've really meant it. But now I don't know. I find that I'm starting to make little pro and con lists in my head that look something like this:

On the 2 kids side:
1. The nice eveness of a 4 person family. I just reread this thing in an old Brain, Child magazine that cites a study finding that no matter how many kids people SAY they're going to have, they most often have 2, so I guess I'm not alone in this feeling
2. The incredibly steep learning curve of it all. What, I should just waste all that knowledge about the stages of labor?
3. My friends who are only children almost all resent it. And the loneliness we, from our giant families, imagine an only must feel.
4. How about when we get old and needy? What's our poor only son going to do then, huh?
5. The first year only lasts a year.
6. The loveliness of children in general, and of ours in particular.

On the keep-it-like-is side:
1. We really like our life like this.
2. Jeff doesnt want another one. ('Course, he couldnt imagine the first one, either, and look how well that turned out).
3. All that Zero Population Growth propoganda I absorbed in my youth.
4. It's not like WE are actually really all that close to our siblings, and who knows what that relationship would be like for Eli.
5. Can I keep working? Because I really, really like my job and if I had to stop working, I'd be pretty bummed out.
6. It's just so not easy to have a baby with a disabled person - the getting pregnant part was not hard for us before, but it is pretty intense hard work for me, logistically speaking once the baby comes.
7. I just finally got my body and my sanity sort of back.
8. The second one could turn out to be two. Or, gulp, three.

My friend tells me that I will know if another soul is waiting to come into this family, but the vagaries of my hormones dont make that kind of certain knowledge all that reliable - for two weeks out of every month, I'm certain of one thing and for the other two weeks, I'm certain of another. I've been praying on it and getting no-where. My faith tradition has no guidelines about this. So, I have this book on reserve at the library, but I haven't picked it up yet.

It's really confusing. I'd be so grateful if any of you who've sat with this decision can help shed some light.

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