Thursday, June 29, 2006

Two Posts in Two Days!

The sky in Seattle was so incredible today and just got better tonight. Very talented Jeff took this of the moon at about 10 pm.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Got rested, but then got tired again

Last Thursday (taht's a week ago, now, I guess), got off the plane (hmm, I almost wrote "plan" - well, that's right too - we are definitely right off the plan around here) after 10 really wonderful days away with a suddenly sick, sick boy. More of the athsma it turns out, which he has NOT outgrown yet (and speaking of words I might spell all wrong, I'm still never sure I have that ailment right - wayyy too many consonants in a row). Spent all day Friday in the ER, getting the bad drugs (since I seem to be all about being parenthtical today, I will add, parenthetically, that one of the side effects of this particular steroid is actually, in the printed material, called "meanness." Yikes.), then spent the night at home, then Saturday, back to the ER again, this time pleading for an admit to a room with a door and our own TV, which we got. Spent an hour on Saturday night while Eli was watching Sponge Bob (is Sponge Bob on all the time on everyone's TV, or do they have some kind of 24-hour SpongeBoborama Channel at Children's Hospital?) working on a verrrryyy informal sermon (sort of turned into 12 minutes of what's been on my mind lately - although I think it didnt totally suck) got up on Sunday morning, left the hospital and a not-at-all-mean boy crying ("Mommmy, I dont want you to yeave....."), did church, came back, got discharged, went home, made dinner for our regular Sunday night pals (it actually felt GOOD to do a normal thing!) And since then, have been trying to squeeze some work stuff in between inhaler treatments, more doctor visits and reading lots of books on the couch. I have been talking to Jesus a lot about why I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom and also saying thank you for my super flexible, super part time job (well, except for that Sunday morning part, I guess).

But, really, in spite of all the run-on sentences and parentheses, I have been doing pretty well and feeling pretty easy going about the whole thing. Until tonight, when I heard a heart rending story on the radio about kids getting kicked out of foster care at 18 and having to be homeless and decided that we have to start doing foster care right NOW, then heard Cindy Sheehan - still as grieved and furious and right on and ass kicking as ever - then came home and read a story in this month's Sun about a mother who tried her best but still missed stuff and made mistakes and then I finally cried a little.

In the big scheme, everything is fine, but tonight I find I'm tired and homesick for my own mom, who is so good at times like this. I think I'll sleep and see if things look better in the morning, as I suspect they will.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Vacation - my family this time

We've now arrived in Northern Wisconsin for the part of our trip with my side of the family. More cousins for Eli, although a different dynamic since they are more like his age, so less able to be objects of hero worship. (It goes from hugging to "Those kids hit me on the head, and they need a BIG time out" in a split second.)

My dad lives on a little lake and took Eli for a kayak ride today. When he came back, Dad said "When we got out in the lake, he just got perfectly still and quiet, just like you used to be in the canoe." To which I almost said, "That wasn't me, must have been someone else" since I dont remember being perfectly still and quiet EVER as a kid, except when reading Nancy Drew. But I let it drop - could be Dad remembers something I dont, I guess. And the idea that I have the capacity for perfect stillness and quietness is so very appealing to me now. Knowing that might give me the (hmm, although it seems a little over the top, cant think of any word here but) courage to keep moving toward that again. I know one friend in Seattle is praying for clarity and peace for me right now, which is kind of the same, right?

I'm figuring out some stuff about family - the family you make and the family you're born into which needs some more thought and its own post later, but will say now that both kinds of families come with graces and challenges, and I'm strongly feeling the graces of the family I was born into on this trip, for which I am thanking God.

Still dreaming about big crowds and lots of business/busy-ness, but have stopped crying in those dreams, for which I am also thanking God.

Saturday, June 17, 2006


We are half way through a ten day trip visiting family - now with Jeff's side and heading to see my dad and maybe my brothers (they've been a little vague on the details) tomorrow.

It's hot here in the midwest, and muggy. I forgot that air could be like this, like water you have to swim through. But my brother-in-law's house where we're staying is air-conditioned (air conditioned! we never need THAT in Seattle!) and I find I'm not as bothered by the mugginess as you'd think.

Jeff was thrilled last night that we had a real storm with thunder and lightening. After Eli feel asleep, sat outside and watched the lightening until the rain came in big round drops. More of what we never have at home, where the rain comes down in silent mist. (At home? Isn't that funny...When we're in Seattle, we call Minnesota home. But when we're here, I guess Seattle is.)

Elijah spends every minute following his cousins around. My entire role in his life on this vacation seems to make sure he drinks enough water and doesn't eat too much sugar. He doesn't want any hugs from me and he doesnt want his cousins to see him in his pajamas.

We're talking like Minnesotas already. I can hear my "ohs" rounding more and more out. Even Eli is sounding like a little old Norwegian bachelor farmer. My sister-in-law was telling me about a big accident, which involved rolling off her bike and in front of a car that stopped just in time. Me: "Wow, did you get hurt?" Her: "Well, it wasn't as bad as it could have been." Nothing in Minnesota is ever as bad as it could have been.

I took the dog for a walk today along the little wooded trail by the house and saw a gold finch and a cardinal - those bright beautiful birds of my childhood. I thought about abundance and scarcity. There is so much room here. The sky is so big and fields spread out flat all around the house, even though we really are in town.

During the day, we have a very nice time - playing and reading, going out for pizza, laughing, worrying a little about the older relatives, watching Eli's cousin play little league, eating some more. But at night, every night since we got here, someone dies in my dreams and I spend my dream sobbing inconsolably. In my dream group back in Seattle, I've been learning that dreams are messages from God and that very intense dreams are very powerful messages.

I've prayed about it all morning, but I'm not getting any answers. What is dying? What am I grieving?

guest blogger - Elijah


Sunday, June 11, 2006

dialogue (or is it really a monologue if you talk to yourself in your own blog?)

To: Juniper
From: Blog
Subject: Abandonment issues

Hey. Where the heck have you been? I've been waiting for weeks for some writing here!

To: Blog
From: Juniper
Subject: Lame excuses

Well, since we finished watching Lost (really, a full time job all by itself) I HAVE been rather busy with a big visit from our Korean sister church , I've reading all the other blogs especially Christine's and hapamama's cool new ones and I even got to be at the hospital when baby Junebug was born. Other stuff is happening, too. Like, for a while we all had little colds, I've been trying to get a better score than Sue at Marble Drop (so far, I'm only at 1400, but look out! I'm creeping up a little every day! not that I'm competetive or anything, because I'm not at all), I walked 7-miles in support of progressive Christianity, celebrated our boy's 4th birthday, counted those steps (288), read a couple of trashy novels, and of course regular work and wife and mom stuff. I have not been knitting.
Also, I mildly freaked out when I learned that people. actually. read. this. blog. I've been trying to decide how to handle it. I think I will write them a note. (Note to people I know in real life: it's not always so much melodrama around here - it's just that's what interesting to write about and also, one hopes, to read. If you want to know about the mundane stuff, you may feel free to call me.)

To: Juniper
From: Blog
Subject: Stern reminder

You're right, those are pathetic excuses. Remember how you said that one time you really wanted to write at least every other day? Well, get back to business lady.

Also, didn't you steal this idea about writing as if in the voice of your blog from Janell, who did it much better some while back?

To: Blog
From: Juniper
Subject: Saved by cuteness

Yes, I did steal this idea, but I didn't remember that until I was already too far into this to turn back. Thanks for the idea Janell. And remember, imitation is the sincerest form of whatever.

Since I will ever strive for both diligence and excellence, especially here in the blogosphere where those qualities totally matter, I will now present to you this short play in two acts, drawn from a real life situation. I call it


The scene: We are driving in the car and the kids are talking about something, but I'm not paying attention until I hear:

Goddaughter: Juniper! Eli says he wants to have the baby in HIS tummy, but I want the baby in MY tummy!
J: Well, that sounds like fun pretend. Why dont you both pretend to have babies in your tummies?
G: Ok, Eli, you can PRETEND to have the baby in your tummy, but when we grow up and get married, you will give me the seed and I will have the baby in my tummy for REAL, ok? I really want to get married to you! Will you get married to me?
E: (snorting) You crack me up.

The scene: It is one hour later and we are back in the car again:

G: Elijah, what do you want to be when you grow up?
E (clearly exasperated with this whole conversation): Ok, here's the deal. I'LL give you the seed, and YOU can have the baby in your tummy, how does that sound?
G: I want to be a hair stylist.