Saturday, March 10, 2007

Feeling better

I've been depressed for the last couple of weeks. I'm not usually a depressed kind of person, so I don't handle it very well. I've been sleeping too much and being mean to my sweet family. Anyway, I'm feeling so much better today, because of:

1. A Great! Big! Unexpected! Spa! Gift! Certificate!
That was so awesome. Mom, I will use it right up some day next week for a facial, just like you suggested. Also, maybe some reflexology - I've always wanted to try that.

2. A realization: A conversation with my spiritual director that I think I've mentioned before which basically was her saying "You come in here two ways - like you're either going to save the world, or else you're a piece of gum on the bottom of God's shoe. But the the truth is that you're actually very ordinary." Which I found unbelievably offensive, and I pouted about it for awhile. But she was right, of course. And recently, I was not chosen for a thing for which I was obviously so well suited that it would be RIDICULOUS for me to not be considered. So I swung from the savior of the world to the gum on the bottom of the shoe in a surprisingly quick time. Now the pendulum has re-swung and landed more or less in the middle, and I have re-realized that I'm just an ordinary person having an ordinary process and a sort of ordinary life. And that those things are actually good and part of God's plan. Which is less exhausting than being either Jesus Christ Herself on the one hand or A Big Fat Unlovable Nobody on the other hand. If not as exciting.

3. Another realization: It took me a long time in life to know when I was angry. When I learned how to do it (I remember distinctly the day - the year was 2000 and I was on a city bus.) it was so thrilling that I wanted to do it all the time. Sometimes, however, being angry is just a convenient foil for other, more difficult emotions. Like sadness. But it's ok to be sad sometimes, even if sad does not kick ass like angry does.

4. Yet another realization: You should not fool around with your dose of vitamin B in mid-winter. Take it all. Even if you know that God did not make you to pee that color.

5. And yet another realization: Although you would never know it from the way I'm always picking the lint of out my own belly button on this blog, self-reflection is not always all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it really is better to just go out and do some stuff than sit around and think or talk about yourself all the time. You really will feel better, and not in a "just putting it off until tomorrow" kind of way.

6. And another realization: No matter how big a jerk I am, my husband still loves me. Which he tells me and shows me every day. It makes me depressed when I feel like a person no one should love, because when I notice him loving me, I want to yell at him all the time "What the hell is the MATTER with you?" But when I'm not the gum on the bottom of the shoe, the knowledge of it fills me with light and gratitude. Or maybe the knowledge of it pulls me out of the gum-on-the-bottom-of-the-shoe place.

7. And the final piece of information that pulled me out of my early-March depression: Sushi is delicious! Definately eat some every week! At least!

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