Thursday, January 18, 2007

Every possible emotion

I'm not sure that I really felt every actual possible emotion yesterday (Weds), but I racked up quite a few. (Except for smug. Darn it. I hate it when a day goes by without any smug in it. I'll aim for that for tomorrow.)

Yesterday I felt:

--Joy from the intellectual and spiritual stimulation of Bible study with wonderful colleagues. And at the same time, mild embarrassment at the behavior of Eli, who was with me (curse you, two-hour-late-start snow schedule!) and who'd just has a big dose of steroids. When I say "bouncing off the walls," I dont mean that metaphorically.

-Relief and guilt when I dropped him off at preschool after a week out and he held my leg and cried "Pweeeese dont goooooo, Mommy!"

--Deep peace and a gentle sense of contentment at a chatty (by which I mean enjoyable but not very profound) session with my spiritual director.

--Happiness at a chance to stop at my favorite sandwich shop, where they always recognize my family and say "How are you guys?" even when it's just me, the gal, in for a sandwich.

--Concern about Jeff, who now has the bad bug that wiped out Eli last week. Also, the morass of gazillions of other feelings I have when he gets really sick - loneliness (since he's mostly working on getting well and cant waste energy on anything like conversation), love, fear about death (his), fear about suffering (his and mine), anger, more guilt, compassion.....

--Frustration about a work thing that I cannot seem do right.

--Incredulity and intense excitement when surprising information about a fascinating future possibility came across my desk.

--Gratitude and love when a friend brought by dinner. Joy in her babies. Pride that my new furniture arrangement really works well for hospitality.

--Relief and gratitude that Eli was well enough to go the gymnastics class that he loves, delight in his delight with all the new tricks he can do, chagrin that he was still bouncing off the walls, frustration with the teacher for too much standing in line in her lesson plan.

--More sadness but also relief (I'm always partly glad to have the actual medical professionals take over) when Jeff and I decided he'd go to the ER to get an xray and make sure he didnt have pnuemonia.

--Astonishment when he came back two hours later (!!). We've had LOTS of visits to the ER, and they never keep you less than five hours in my experience. Irritation (and relief, but mostly irritation) that he's not the right kind of sick for any medical intervention, which means all it will take is time. Also, impatience.

--Grief and shock to open an email right before bed and learn of the death of a close family friend, on behalf of my parents (who are too young to have friends die) and on behalf of her young-adult children and husband. Sad to find that I dont have any photos of her in all my mixed up boxes and albums. Wonder if it is SHE who keeps sending me the dreams I've been having lately of water and danger and blessing.

I sat down yesterday and tried to write it all down, but couldn't somehow. And now that I just did, I see why. I'm tired just writing about it. Couldn't have did it and wrote about it, too, all in one day...

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