Thursday, May 10, 2007

On Not Being A Rock Star

Last year about this time, I had a series of dreams about famous people. Tom Cruise, Bruce Springsteen, Hillary Clinton were just some of the actors playing that interior stage. My dear dream group did what they are supposed to do - tried to help me see it as metaphor, but I knew what was going on.

Like every other American (welcome home, Sanjaya!) I just really want to be famous. Actually famous.

Hence the blog, for example.

Of course, I'm not headed for any kind of fame any time soon. But I'm still interested in it - even interested in those who are just little rock stars. It's not the fame itself, so much as the clarity of purpose and the aura of self-confidence that I find intriguing, I guess.

Recently I spent a few minutes with such a person - he's not famous not in a big way, but he's a person who seems all rock star-ish to me. And I told him he reminded me of my brother, which I realized later is not really true. He's actually nothing like my brother (who's reading, btw - hi M!) but I just feel the same way around them both - envy and admiration all wrapped up together. You'd feel the same, I bet, if you knew my brother who can train for a marathon, parent two toddlers, go to grad school, renovate a house, maintain his cool and work full time all while being married to the coolest woman in Minnesota. He can do everything, which seems like a prerequisite for the kind of guy who will be famous for something sometime.

But today, I was so grateful for my unfamous life. I went to a good lecture, but left a little early when the q and a got tiresome (because who would notice little old me?) and then walked for a long long long time in the springing afternoon. Then lay down on the grass at the park and put my palms on the earth and thanked God for all of it - everything in my small, gorgeous life. And I really meant it, too. I felt clear and confident, just as I've always imagined I would feel if I really were famous for something that I knew I was good at.

And then, because I could, because I truly had nothing else I had to be doing just then, I dozed off for a while in the sunshine.

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