Thursday, May 06, 2010

Sticking With It

I used to be a quitter. When things get too boring or hard or frustrating or notwhatIhadplanned, I used to bail. I've moved quite a few dozen times, had more than a few dozen jobs, and dont even get me started on exercise plans I've stopped and started.


On October 21, I will have been married 10 years.

On May 26, I will have been a mom for 8 years.

On September 1, I will have been living in the same house and employed in the same full time job for 3 years.

I know this doesnt seem like much in, you know, geological time (yes, I'm 41 years old, and with the exception of 1980-1987, I've never lived in the same house for more than three years,) but these are all records for me. I'm sticking with stuff now and really liking the way it feels.

When J and I have a little spat sometimes we say "Oh, well, marriage is long. We have time to try again and get this right" and I love leaning into that feeling of permanence and solidness. I mean, I dont think I'll ever get over the thing of slowing down for a house for sale (You know that one on the corner of Park and Huntington, Beavertonites? Doesnt it just looks so cozy? And it's on a hill! And it has sidewalks!), but I'm better at noticing that itchy, antsy feeling for what it is - a symptom of Something Else which will not be cured by the new house, job or relationship. Because wherever you go, there you are, you know?

Now, on May 22, I will have been doing Weight Watchers for 4 months. This is my third time through this program, and I'm at a familiar point at which I've always quit before. I've lost the weight I really wanted to lose, and I'm comfortable in my skin. It wasnt exactly easy, but I stuck with it and I did it. But. I am still 10 pounds from the WW recommended weight for me - which means I still have to lose almost as much again as I've lost already if I keep at it. Which means 4 more months of counting and tracking and eating that hateful nonfat cheese. And then, if I make it that far, then as far as the eye can see of being on The Maintenance Plan. I dont know if I care that much.

So, I'm on the horns of a dilemma - stick with it? Or drop out?

This doesnt really seem like that a big deal, but it represents something bigger for me. Because, I'm into sticking with things now, and I dont want to quit just because that's what I always do. On the other hand, I dont want to stick with something that really is not working for me anymore just because I'm trying to be that kind of person now.